Bottoms Up — a Top Down Look at Dom/sub relationships

By Kinky Brothers


There's a lot of fun you can have in a kinky relationship. Discovering new games, enjoying familiar ones—creative sexual play is at the heart of a Dominant/submissive relationship. But, by paying special attention to the power you have as a dominant, and using it wisely, you can have one of the most rewarding partnerships imaginable.

It's easy to think that if you are the dominant partner in a power partnership, all you need to do is tell your sub what to do, and be in charge, and all will be well. If life, and people, were that simple it would be a lot easier, but it would probably also be pretty boring.

It's important to remember that very few people are completely submissive. Even if a guy does nothing but bottom in the playroom, he still has his own particular wants and needs. A sub, however, is far less likely to make them known, than a dom will.

There are two different ways of handling this challenge as a top. The first is to take charge of your bottom, and gently pull information out of him, whether it's about sex or about where to go for dinner. A sub or bottom will often be reluctant to express his wants or opinions and may come across as indecisive or noncommittal. "Is there anywhere you feel like having sex today?" is quickly answered with "Wherever you want..."

This is where your best tools are a skill at listening, and an ability to help narrow down choices for the sub. "Would you rather have sex in the shower or on the kitchen floor, boy?" By giving him specific choices, you'll make your bottom more comfortable with expressing an opinion. Even if it's something like "um...actually...I was thinking about the back of the pickup..."

The other way of handling a boy's indecision, is to use your sexual influence to make him WANT what you want. Grab him from behind, hold his arms in a full-nelson restraint, you grind your crotch against his backside, and sexily ask him "So, pup, how does Thai food sound for dinner?" It's all in the delivery. You know what makes him hot. Push his buttons and he'll follow you just about anywhere. He might have been thinking about steak, but you've given him another piece of meat to focus on.

You have this power available to you as a top. Control, manipulation, influence. It's extremely sexy, and very powerful. Boys want to be controlled, manipulated, influenced. But...what they REALLY want is to be manipulated into doing what they already want to do or know that they ought to do.

The responsibility that comes along with that power is judgment. If you aren't careful with your influence over a boy, you can easily misdirect him, leading him to bad choices, or a state of unhappiness.
The longer you spend with a sub, the greater your ability to change the course of his life. In a strong relationship, you'll learn what your sub wants out of life, but doesn't know how to achieve. Use your influence to help him develop and grow. As he does, your relationship will intensify. He'll know when your influence has benefited him, and that will only reinforce his connection to you.

This influence also can make you into an anchor of stability for a sub. By being consistent in how you treat your sub, how you encourage him, how you discourage him, you offer him security. That emotional reliability can be the core of a truly wonderful dom/sub relationship. But you, as the dominant partner, have to watch out that your partner doesn't become completely dependent on you. You want to use the emotional stability that you offer your sub to encourage him to take risks and experiment. His knowing that you are there to catch him will help him gain confidence and boldness in approaching life and its challenges.

In the leather community there is a lot of talk of mentorship, the bringing along of boys into manhood. This happens first and foremost in power relationships. Not only do you offer the emotional security and guidance to help a boy grow, you will also be more likely to have ties to groups, clubs, and other people in the community. So, you also offer your sub connection. He will begin to develop a place in the community through interactions you have together with the people around you.

The powerful sexuality of dom/sub play is amazing, intense, and alluring. But the intensity is incredibly magnified by the dom/sub partnership that comes from long-lasting, well-developed, emotional bonding between a dominant and a submissive.

Grab the reins of a great boy and hold on tight, cause he'll be the best ride you could hope for.